Don’t invite me to a movie that you’ve been wanting to see for a while. If you do, don’t let me drink. And if you break both of those rules, at least make sure the movie is a good one; make sure the director took his time, let’s say 10 years or more. A decade’s worth of work plus the invention of new technology helped to realize the vision of James Cameron. Unfortunately, those facts didn’t keep me from ruining the film for the five people who came with me and the patrons several rows behind and in front of me. They think I put them through torture, they had no idea what I went through, but in the interest of not writing one thousand words of hyperbolic bitching, here are some things I didn’t like about the movie:
1. What does that name mean?
We get it. We get it James Cameron. Avatar is film’s version of being beat in the head with a brick. The name of the planet inhabited by the Na‘vi? Pandora. Witty! The name of the precious resource being mined on Pandora? Unobtanium. How did you come up with that? Not to mention that avatar is a Sanskrit word meaning personal deity. Bravo.
2. If you didn’t notice, it was an allegory…
The most poorly disguised allegory I’ve ever seen. One person mentioned it was Pocahontas revisited (Jack Scully has the same initials as…John Smith!); I said it was Ferngully. We were both right. Other similar films: Dances With Wolves, The Matrix, At Play in the Fields of the Lord and The Emerald Forest.
4. Plot Holes
- Jack Scully didn’t sleep the entire movie. Presumably Jack Scully sleeps when he is inside the Avatar, but it would have to be some kind of lucid dream state. As Mitch Hedberg once said, “I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.” Or defile a blue Na’vi virgin. Whichever.
- Were they ever going to mine that unobtanium or did they blow up that first tree for nothing? And where did a second, bigger tree come from?
- They could have told us why unobtanium was important. It would have literally taken half of a sentence. Ex: “This stuff is $200 a kilo AND it fuels everything…” Or it powers all the computers or it solves anal herpes, just give us something to work with
- All of the sudden there are other clans? When did that happen?
Things I liked:
1. It looked cool…I guess.
I’m sorry, but this was a feast or famine film and I starved. I was literally sick to my stomach afterwards (may have been the popcorn) and I had a headache as did my friend (who will be starting a blog soon so that I can just write his name). Even if the visuals were amazing, I’m not sure the pain in my forehead and the epileptic seizures that are sure to follow in the next couple of days were worth it. Then again, I might be wrong. Maybe someone will take the technology pioneered by JC (same initials as that Jebus guy, maybe James Cameron is the messiah!) and make a movie that has a decent story to go along with the 'perty' pictures. Until then I’ll try and keep my mouth shut.